“When I met to him.” I was confided in my sister. As she stared at me with a confused face expression, and I have explained further. “He’s really too much different. I can imagine making a beautiful life with him.”
It was So Bold statement. First of all its very kind. And with complete conviction I vocalized of that what my heart want and what my heart need and body was telling me. There was a magical sense of knowing that came over me – a sort of familiarity that I couldn’t quite articulate into words. As a hyper-analytical relationship columnist who studies and researches facts and data, and for once, it wasn’t only a cerebral thing to me, it was a feeling thing.
Unlike my usual articles, this piece is not focused on advice or relationship psychology. Rather, I invite you to peer into a window to my heart. Unfiltered. Unedited. This, is a love story.
Let’s start at the beginning.
The initial stage of love or beginning of Love stories do not start when two people are meet. At least, not ones of the soul-mate kind. I believe on that energy and never dies, it just takes a different forms in heart. In our daily life, we will come across of those whom we once shared a meaningful energy and connection with from a former lifetime and from the core of heart. Meeting again is not a new thing, rather, a continuum – organically picking up where you last left off. When I first saw him, within moments, I knew that this was not our first encounter.
Throughout of my life I have met with a wide range of people. And Some of them whom I shared a compatibility with them but no Love story nor chemistry. Some whom I felt strong Love or good chemistry with but maybe not compatibility. Some whom were compatible in values but not in timing. Like the tale of The Three Little Bears, the very romantic interests I met were either too hot or too cold, and in my long journey of mismatched connections peppered with the odd relationship here and there, I had yet to meet one of them that was just right – my match of my heart. Even the ones I finished up in relationships with, regardless of the justifications I tried to convince myself to believe – I knew in my gut that I wasn’t with my right fit.
With him, it felt different. Probably subconsciously I was projecting my hopes my dreams and my wishes onto someone else. Probably all the self-work I had been doing that finally resulted in me being in a good and healthy place where I was truly ready to be open to giving and receiving the love.
Upon our first date, things moved quickly and intensely. It was so fast, but there was an organic flow to things.
Then I made a decision, to try for something new. To be completely vulnerable and take a risk on investing into this one person. I abandoned my usual “protect my heart” strategies etc – when you keep doors open with many people in order to not put all your eggs in one basket. Instead playing of games or seducing with push-pull tactics, I opened up my heart totally. I welcomed him into my world into my beautiful heart. I invested in him for the potential ‘us’ – knowing full well that the outcome could be something substantial or, just a matter of good and beautiful moments.
This is how I select to live. I do not believe that anything good in our life has ever been the result of mediocre efforts or having one foot in, one foot out. All or nothing. In or out. I will take risks and even occasionally suffer in order to strive for good things, versus settle for great, in any day.
I knew that, at the pace we were going and the intense connection we shared, that I was selecting him. And with that beautiful choice, I would eventually and suddenly fall in love with him.
Fast forward into the near future, and did I know a little bit, he would stop selecting me. On a sunny Thursday afternoon to be exact.
The crazy scene is that, before he had even talk with me, I already knew. That morning I was out of sorts and meditated to calm my anxiety, but I knew. On an energetic level I felt that he had cut the relationship with him. We finished up talking a hours later, and my anxieties were confirmed about that.
He started off by telling me about the story how wonderful and amazing I was. The positive feedback sandwich does not exactly mean that work on a relationship columnist, and the pretty words went by in a haze. All I heard was, “I have made a decision to last things romantically with you. But I still want to have you in my life… as a friend.” I do not know about that and don’t understand if the request for my friendship made the news worse or good. To be honest, in that moment, it made me some kind of angry and it’s a crazy moment for me. It made me flashback to the men from my past, who never realized that what was in front of them only until it was so late, and then half-assedly tried to change our friendship again into romance. Continue part II is coming soon.